We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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