I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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