Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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