They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
