in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just cropdusted the office
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
