you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
