Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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