There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
