Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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