Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
