ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
