I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
