ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How does it feel to date your dad?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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