Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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