Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
