I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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