drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
