she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
