i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
