Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize