Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
