So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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