Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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