sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
