shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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