I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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