I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
