How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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