Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
