If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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