u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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