o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
