i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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