when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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