Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
