WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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