Can Purell be used as lube?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
