Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
