Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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