i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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