So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize