I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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