twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
