I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
