I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
