Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
