saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize