My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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