i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize