You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
