How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You are a genius and a whore.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
