ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
