my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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