the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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