I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
