are you still at the devil's house?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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