Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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