i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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