Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
