There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
