You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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