i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
