Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize