Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize