I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
