I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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