I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just threw up on my dentist
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
