There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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