I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
