He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
