As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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