Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
